Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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