One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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