If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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