he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
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Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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