Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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