I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize