I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize