I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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