I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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