Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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