so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
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