i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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