I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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