I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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