Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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