I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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