the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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