Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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