A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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