Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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