proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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