I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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