remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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