There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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