Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
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Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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