She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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