Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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