I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
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so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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