You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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