she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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