I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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