i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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