I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
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I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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