i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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