she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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