Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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