just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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