Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
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the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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