Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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