I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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