The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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