I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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