Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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