You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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