I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We need a shit load of segways right now
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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