No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize