I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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