when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he thought i was a dude.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
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I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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