so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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