Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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